Very dirty jokes. vulgar jokes
It would not be entirely correct to think that vulgar anecdotes, without exception, do not make any sense. Many mistakenly consider such humor to be completely unnecessary. We do not agree. From vulgar jokes there is no harm. On the contrary, they very often contain very subtle humor, albeit expressed in an indecent form. Probably, no one will argue with the fact that some circumstances and events are best conveyed in this form. It is difficult to imagine indecent jokes without a touch of vulgarity. Therefore, we decided to pick up the funniest vulgar jokes that you can laugh at and laugh at. All good mood and good health!
TOP 50 FUNNY DISCLAIMER JOKES
Help. They rape. They came and helped.
Vovochka why are you so late from school?
Yes, in the classroom the floors were painted and the teacher stuck to the floor, well, we tore her off with the whole class.
Well, how did you get it?
Yes, twice each.
A woman came to the healer and said: “My husband is not very active in the evenings ....” The sorceress gives her a bag of powder and tells her to add a pinch every evening to her husband's dinner and everything will be as it should.
My wife made dumplings for dinner, without hesitation, poured the whole bag into a plate and went to spread the bed .... Then a husband with huge round eyes (like saucers) runs in and shouts:
- Wife, have you seen how dumplings are f@ing?!
- No.
- So go look!
Family at the dinner table. The son asks his father:
- Dad, how many types of s * s are there?
The father, surprised, replies:
“Well, son, a woman goes through three stages. In her 20s, women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a little. After 50, they are like onions.
The son asks:
– Luca?
- Yes. You see them and they will make you cry.
This infuriated his wife and daughter.
Daughter asks:
“Mom, how many different kinds of Willis are there?”
Mother smiles and says:
“Well, dear, a person goes through three phases too. In his 20s, his will is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like Beryozka, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree.
Daughter asks:
- Christmas tree?
- Yes, he died from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.
— Listen, what the hell are you watching all these culinary shows? You don't even know how to cook?!
- Do you watch porn?
Wife to husband says:
Let's make love like in the movies!
The husband agreed. He had her as he wanted, then he finished on her face ...
She wipes off:
- Yes, my love! We watch different films with you!
A man is sunbathing on a nude beach. To avoid burns, he covered his most important organ with a hat. A lady passing by remarked sarcastically:
- A real gentleman lifts his hat in the presence of a lady.
- Madam, if you were a real lady, she would rise herself!
At the appointment with a sexologist:
- I will show you pictures, and you will talk about your first associations.
- Sex! Women's breasts! Oral sex!
“Okay, okay… But let me show you the pictures first…”
The guy with the girl at her house begin to caress. Young woman:
— Shh, my parents are at home, sleeping now.
Dad serves in the riot police, mom is a lieutenant of the Ministry of Internal Affairs.
Guy to himself: bl*, where did I go?!
Continue, forgotten already. Young woman:
- Hush, my brother is in the next room, he just returned from the Airborne Forces.
Guy to himself: bl*, where did I go?! Young woman:
Do you want an unforgettable night?
- Yes!
- RAPED!!!
Girl calls her boyfriend
- Hello! Come to me in the evening. True, my father is at home, but he does not get out of bed - yesterday he badly hurt his leg.
“Unfortunately, our date will have to be postponed. I'm also lying down - the place where your father hurt his leg hurts terribly.
***
Husband and wife are in bed. He put his hand on her chest and gently says:
You are as warm as earth.
She replied:
- If you will not cultivate this land, I will rent it out!
When I was young, I met a good fairy and offered me a choice - a huge cock or an excellent memory for life. I don't even remember what I chose then...
Two schoolgirls are washing in the bath. One says to the other:
“Look, what hairs are already on my monkey ...
- Just think ... Mine is already eating bananas with might and main ...
In the village, in the garden, a UFO landed.
An alien came out with an alien.
Vanya and Masha stopped digging potatoes and invited them to visit.
Sit down and drink. They go to sleep.
Ivan offers to exchange wives, everyone is not against trying, they have changed, they have got down to business.
The alien sees that Masha is unhappy with something, asks:
- maybe you want more authentic
- Want
- twist my right ear.
She twisted it, liked it, after a while she wants something again.
- maybe you want more
- Want
- twist my left ear. I twisted it, I liked it, after a while it would make me laugh.
- what are you laughing at?
- yes, I can imagine how yours is now twisting my Ivan's ears!
Women's bath, steam, steamed bodies ...
Suddenly a naked man appears! The women squeal, but the man calms them down:
- Daddy, I'm blind! Soon everyone got used to it, they are already asking to rub their backs. And suddenly one:
- Blind, yes you f*ck me!
- Oh! And I don't see it!
Wife to husband:
- Everything, now I do everything at home for money:
- Cook food - 50 rubles,
- wash the floors - 50 rubles. etc. sex 100 r.
In the evening he told her:
- Let's have sex.
- 100 r.
He rummaged through his pockets, found 70r.
She:
- Lacks.
They went to bed ... In the middle of the night he wakes up, looks, she rummages in her purse.
He:
- What are you looking for?
She:
- 30 rubles you borrow.
Husband and wife from the beginning of their life together had sex in the dark, and one day the wife decided to experience new sensations. I turned on the light ... I saw a vibrator in my husband's hands.
- Oh, you scoundrel! Have you been lying to me all this time?
Husband:
- I'm okay, now you tell me where our children come from?
He and She make love.
He: - Let's do in position 68?
She: - How is it?
He: - You do min @ t to me, and I will owe you.
Fedya, tell me, do men prefer to have sex for love or with a casual partner?
- Yes, in general, by ...
- For love, right?
- Fuck @ d.
Village. Night. In the hut, the old father is laid down on the stove. Almost falls asleep
but through his slumber he hears the young rustling below.
The old man, falling asleep, chuckles to himself: ... oh, youth, youth ...
And below they whisper:
- let's stand
- Come on
- and let's sit down
- Let's
- come on top
- Let's
- let's roll
- Let's
- let's doggy style
- Let's
- come on candribobic
- Let's
Oops!!! The old man was already thrown up, what the hell - I have never heard of it. Give
I'll take a look though! He bent down, peered - nothing to see ... darkness.
It sticks out further ... cannot be seen ... further ... cannot be seen ...
He bent, bent, until he flew off the shelf. Noise throughout the house ... tubs,
tacks, pots, bowlers all along the way grabbed. Got up somehow
side scratches, trying to crawl back.
At this time, the daughter asks with fright:
- What happened, daddy? ...
- Nothing happened, daughter, you just have to e @ stis like a human being !!!
A black boy asks a white mother:
- Mom, why are you white, grandmother is white, grandfather is white, everyone is white, and I am black ???
- Oh, son, how do I remember that party
- it's good that you don't bark!
Mom, I cut the eggs...
- Semochka, do not drive your mother into the coffin! Are you in the bathroom or in the kitchen?!
A woman sits in a taxi in the back seat, and throws her legs on the taxi driver's shoulders.
- Didn't understand!!!
- By the way, some people kiss these legs!
- So what! I have some dick sucking, should I hang it on the hood?
***
“Open up, police!”
- We didn't call you, we called prostitutes!
We were called by your neighbors.
- Well, let them fuck you!
Odessa. An old Jew runs into the urologist's office, takes off his underwear and shouts, pointing to the causal place:
Doctor, what am I supposed to do with this? You look - small, wrinkled, hanging! Shaw to do?!
Doctor sad:
- Shaw to do ... to wear ...
Girl, let's meet you tonight.
- I'm married, what an evening, let's in the afternoon.
Grandmothers at the entrance are discussing the topic of sex. One says:
“Sex before marriage is commonplace now, not like it is nowadays. I gave my old one right after the birth of my second child.
A man and his wife arrived at the place where they spent their honeymoon 25 years ago.
“Darling, what did you think when you first saw my naked body?”
“I wanted to suck your boobs dry and fuck you out of your mind.” She undressed:
- And now?
“I see I succeeded.
In a private barbershop, a Jewish barber worked with a young apprentice. Once a student says to his boss:
- Some strange type has recently got into the habit of visiting us at the hairdresser's!
- What type? asks the hairdresser.
- Yes, he comes every day after dinner, counts all the people in the queue and leaves. Just kind of abnormal. It will probably come again soon...
- You know what, - says the hairdresser - you, when he leaves us, go quietly follow him, and then tell me.
Well, indeed, after a while a well-dressed young man comes and starts counting everyone in line:
- One two three four! five!! six!!!
Then he turns and silently walks away.
The boy-student, as he was ordered, also quietly slipped out after him.
Returns after a while.
The hairdresser naturally asks:
- Well, tell me, what did this guy do when he left us?
- Yes, I bought a bouquet of flowers and went home ...
- Well, it means exactly a psycho, - says the hairdresser.
- No, he went to your house ...
One Ment recommends to another:
- Estimate, there is a new method to have sex!
I tried it yesterday. Fucking with my wife. In your favorite position. I feel: my orgasm is coming and it is coming to her.
Well, I take out the service trunk from the pillow, and into the ceiling - BA-BACH !!! Finished together.
Just super! Try it - you won't regret it.
The next day they meet again
and the comrade pounces on him with curses - almost with his fists.
- Yes, wait, tell me how it was!
- Yes, damn it, I make love to my wife in my FAVORITE position,
well, as you said. I feel: it suits me and she is about to have an orgasm.
I take out the service trunk from the pillow, and into the ceiling - BA-BACH !!!
So not only did I almost bite off the end,
so even on the face of me shit!!!
Bachelor party. Three men in a sauna with one girl.
One behind attached, the other in front,
the third is tired of waiting and asks:
- Maybe change someone?
Girl, pulling a dick out of her mouth:
- Change me, damn it!
The gangbang is in full swing ... Suddenly Lieutenant Rzhevsky turns on a bright light and claps his hands:
- Stop, stop, stop, gentlemen ... it's not good for anything ... something must be decided,
and then I already did m * no to someone twice ...
A sophisticated French woman married a Texas cowboy. After a month of family life, she turns to her husband:
- Joni, dear, I've been wanting to ask you something for a long time.
When you kiss me without taking the gum out of your mouth
- I gradually got used to it.
When we make love and you keep your cowboy boots on
- I can still stand it.
But please, dear, when we do 69
- Please take the cigar out of your mouth.
In a sex shop, a man stands at a window with vag * us:
- Do you have adapters from half an inch to 3/4?
Guys! In marriage, you should not only appreciate what you have,
but also to "have" the one you value. And preferably more...
Women can do everything. But some are shy.
There are two whores .. one says to the other: "something hu * mi smelled!"
And she answered her: "Yes, I threw up."
A man comes to work confused. Colleagues ask him:
- What happened?
He says: you know, guys, I got myself a mistress
and when I come home I restrain myself in every possible way so as not to call my wife the name of my mistress,
and it's spinning on the tongue - pizd * ts as I'm afraid of sleeping.
Employees respond:
huh, get yourself a cat, name it after your mistress
and suddenly, even if you blurt out something, there will always be an excuse.
Exactly!!! A man runs to a pet store, buys a cat, and drags her home.
Well, then, in general, he walks with a satisfied mug for two weeks!
Two weeks later he comes to work without mood.
Guys say what happened again?
Answers:
Wife got a dog - Ashot called
Circus, last performance.
The man announces:
"And this room needs complete silence and darkness!"
Well, the people buzzed a little, and then calmed down. It's dark, you can hear the fly flying.
And then a man enters the stage with a chair and a candle.
He puts down a chair, sits on it, holds a candle with his left hand,
and the right one starts to masturbate ...
30 minutes jerking off, an hour jerking off...
And then a voice from the audience: "Yes, when will you finish!?"
Man: "Who's there!?" and blows out the candle.
Medical board in the military registration and enlistment office. The queue for the surgeon.
There is a doctor and several trainees in the office.
Suddenly, the doctor is called to the phone and he, leaving, leaves one of them in his place.
One of the waiters comes up. Trainee, blushing: - Lower your pants.
He drops. As soon as she touches the member, he gets up.
Intern: - Masha, bring a cold wet cloth!
And so several times. Finally the guy can't stand it:
- Listen, what did I come here for: to the medical examination or to dry your wet rags?
The entertainer takes the stage:
- Solo on a flaccid dick ...
There is a shocked silence in the hall... The entertainer looks thoughtfully into the prompter's room.
- Sorry... cello solo.
Once a man went into a public toilet to relieve a small need and looks,
and there stands a black man and does the same thing.
A man becomes nearby, unfastened the fly, pursues and then suddenly notices a member of the Negro,
centimeters so under thirty. A man so crazy asks:
- Hey, friend, can I have the same one, huh?
- Nefig do - replies the Negro.
- You take a brick, tie it to your penis and walk like that for a day or two.
Well, the man decided to check. A couple of days later he meets the same black man and says to him:
- What the hell did you advise me - my penis didn’t increase a damn thing, but only turned black !!!
And the Negro (surprised):
- So what did you want to lengthen?
Zai, do you want some chips? - No, they are harmful!
- You are also harmful, but I want you!
The wife sends her husband to the bakery for croissants:
- And how much to buy, dear? - Buy as much as you and I had tonight!
The husband comes to the bakery: - Please, 5 croissants for me and thought:
- No, please give me 3 croissants, a chocolate bar and a lollipop!
Vulgar jokes - the best fresh, funny, cool selection for you, read, watch for free!
vulgar funny anecdoteProfessional inspection of miners. Urologist's office
- take off your clothes, lower your underpants, get them, bare your head ...
And there bam for the foreskin chewing gum ...
-Didn't understand?...
-Doctor, well, where is it, we are dirty as hell, soot all around ... mine ..
this is the cleanest place.
...next..
everything is the same ... bam-
Two chewing gum!
- Well, it’s clear about one, they told, but why the second!? ..
- Ah! .. this is Alibek, he is circumcised!
17 vulgar funny anecdote
What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
Both can sniff but not eat.
6 vulgar funny anecdote
Experienced spouses. The wife offers to diversify the sex life.
- Honey, let's play in the hospital?
- Don't want.
- You do not love me?
- Okay, what to do?
- Call an ambulance.
Hello, is this an ambulance?
- Yes.
- Please take Katya - she's fucked.
5 vulgar funny anecdote
The elderly father retires. A young priest was appointed in his place.
On the very first day, a man comes to him for confession:
- Father, I am very sinful ....
- And what is your sin, my son?
- My sin is sodomy, father ...
Here the young priest realizes with horror that he does not know what to assign to the peasant in atonement for sin ... How many times to pray to the sinner, how many candles to light and to whom ??
He runs out into the churchyard, and there the boy-janitor works with a broom ... the priest to him:
- Otrok! Don't you remember what the old father gave for sodomy?
- Well, how what? When a pie, and when an apple ...
4 vulgar funny anecdote
American base in the desert.
An officer enters the colonel with a question:
- What to do if there is no woman, but you really need it?
Colonel:
- Here in the shed we have a camel for this purpose ...
An officer:
- It's clear! let me go?
Colonel:
- Go...
Ten minutes later, the same officer enters the colonel - all covered in mud, beaten, spat on ...
Colonel:
- You did not listen to me: you had to sit on a camel, get on it to the city and find yourself a woman there ...
2 vulgar funny anecdote
A drunk man in a cafe comes up to a woman and says that he would like to lick her feet, squeeze her boobs, and then pour a full beer f3d and turn her over and drink it all.
The wife runs off to complain to her husband:
- That drunkard said he wanted to lick my feet! Husband rolls up one sleeve...
- He said he wants to squeeze my boobs!
The husband rolls up the second sleeve... - And then he said that he would pour me a full f3d of beer, turn it over and drink it!!!
Husband pulls both sleeves back:
- You know, dear, I realized a long time ago that it's better not to mess with men who can drink THIS beer ...
5 vulgar funny anecdote
The wife of a trucker, in order to recoup the money spent by her husband on paid sex, provides similar services to other truckers.
2 vulgar funny anecdote
Listen, what is this movie - LIFE PI3D?
- Fool! It's Life of Pi! in 3D...
1 vulgar funny anecdote
My wife's husband drank. Well, of course, I forgot how to perform marital duties. A week later, the wife could not stand it, she went to her friend to complain - so they say, and so, do not fuck, and that's it. She advised her to go to the fakir, take a pipe for spells snakes. As the husband falls asleep, play the pipe - the pepper will grow to the desired size. Well, then it's a matter of technology.
The wife did just that.
In the evening, her man crawls well, no. He pulled off his clothes, fell on the bed, pulled the blanket over him and fell asleep. The wife took out a pipe and began to play.
Look, the blanket has risen in the right place. She was delighted, she played again - the blanket was still lifted.
Wife in joyful excitement pulls off the blanket...
A man lies on his stomach, and a worm sticks out of his ass !!!
5 vulgar funny anecdote
Theater "Gogol-mogul". Staging of Chekhov's play. On stage, the heroine gives a blowjob.
The hall is quiet, everyone is carried away by the action. After 10 minutes, an elderly theater-goer gets up and says loudly: "Darling, why are you chomping, it's Chekhov!"
9 vulgar funny anecdote
Yesterday I was on the beach, sunbathing, so my lips were chapped.
- Why did you sunbathe without panties?
5 vulgar funny anecdote
Doctor:
- Do not worry, an erection during prostate massage is normal.
Patient:
- But I don't have an erection!
Doctor:
- Yes, but I have.
6 vulgar funny anecdote
A man is sitting in a bath. Three blacks come in. Two are completely black, and one has a white trim. A man approaches one of the “full-fledged” blacks and asks in his ear:
- And why are you two normal blacks, and this "household" is white?
- Man, we are not blacks, we are miners. This one got married yesterday.
6 vulgar funny anecdote
Dear, our opinions on the issue of having children, unfortunately, are on opposite sides of the condom. And the kids are on my side.
1 vulgar funny anecdote
Mom mom! What is "premature ejaculation"?
- This is for you, son, you need to talk to a specialist - ask your dad.
Vulgar jokes are very popular among our people. After all, the topic of sex, intimacy and betrayal is woven into our lives and is an integral part of it. Dirty jokes are always much funnier than the usual ones. And all because in such jokes you can find much more funny and funny life situations. People with great pleasure retell each other funny vulgar anecdotes and get great pleasure.
Jokes fresh funny vulgar 
There is a girl on the bridge, obviously going to take her own life. The bum fits.
- Girl, since you don't care anymore, can I finally fuck you? I have not had a woman for so long!
— Kazel! Have you ever seen yourself? Dirty, smelly, lousy! No, no and NO! Get out!!!
- Of course of course. I'm leaving. I'll wait for you downstairs.
Women's toast:
There is a traveler in the desert, the heat, the sun at its zenith. He sees - a man lies on the sand, dies and plaintively asks:
- Water-s-s ...
The traveler felt sorry for the last drops of water left in his flask, did not give it, went on.
Whether he walked for a long time, whether it was short, but a conscience woke up in him. He returned, and by that time the man had already died.
- So let's, girls, let's drink to giving when asked, and not when you want to give, but there is no one.
In the store, a man addresses the saleswoman:
- Hello, please, I need 3 boxes of vodka, 50 liters of beer,
5 boxes of martinis and 30 packs of condoms.
- Here you are.
- Thank you.
“Young man, wait!
- What's happened?
- Take me with you!
Excursion to the factory of rubber products. First shop.
Sounds: Shhh-boom! Shhh-bang! Shhh-bang!
Tourist:
- What is it?
Director:
— This shop produces teats for baby bottles. The sound "shhh" is vulcanization, the sound "bang" is
hole punching.
The next workshop is condom.
Sounds: Shhhhhhhhhhh! Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Tourist:
- Is it really pierced in every third condom?
hole?
Director:
- Certainly! We need nipple users!
Jokes vulgar fresh funny to tears
At a lecture at a medical institute.
Professor:
- ... also in the semen of a man contains a large amount of glucose ...
Student:
- Professor, you mean the same glucose as in sugar?
Professor:
— Quite right!
Student:
"Then why isn't she sweet?"
Everyone neighed, the girl blushed, and the teacher calmly said:
“Because, my dear, the taste buds responsible for sweet
taste, are on the tip of the tongue, not on the tonsils…..!
Last night I got into a fight with a girl with a big bust. She went into the elevator with me, and I involuntarily stared at her boobs.
She suddenly asked:
“Young man, can you finally press it?”
And then something went wrong...
Inquisitive minds around the world are wondering why the male
the penis is thicker at the end than at the base.
French scientists spent 150 thousand francs on the study
and came to the conclusion that this is solely for the pleasure of a woman.
American scientists spent 15 million dollars and came to the conclusion
that it is solely for the pleasure of men.
Ivan Semenych from Tyumen, at his own expense, spent
independent research. Spending 15 minutes off watch
on drilling time, he came to the conclusion: for that dick at the end is thicker,
so that the hand does not jump off and does not hit on the forehead.
An experienced man will always distinguish by touch a woman's breast from a girl's -
in pitch, loudness and duration of the screech.
Jokes piquant most funny
Boys, give the girls a seat on the bus! From above it is better to see boobs.
Husband comes home from work in the evening. He is greeted by his wife, friendly
such. The husband is surprised by this change. He sits down in the kitchen at the table, and his wife
informs him:
- Dear, our relations are moving to market relations. Dinner
costs 50 rubles.
The husband figured, it seems not expensive, he won’t give it in another way. Agreed.
Wife on the wings on the table, everything is as it should be. Husband paid off. After
After dinner, he gives her a shirt and says:
— Need to wash and sew on a button.
“It costs 30 rubles,” says the wife.
The husband gives her 30 rubles. The wife did her best. They lie down
sleep and husband to wife, and she to him:
- It costs from 100 rubles.
“I only have 70 left,” the husband replies, turning and falling asleep.
Husband wakes up at night from some noise. Looks - in all rooms
the light is on, the wife is looking for something in her handbags, in things. He asks her:
What are you looking for at night?
- Yes, I'm looking for 30 rubles, I'll lend it to you.
A visitor to a sex shop stands at a stand with dildos for a long time,
then ask the seller:
“Excuse me, but where is your dressing room?”
She:
- I love to sing, but a bear stepped on my ear ...
He:
- And still on the chest lay a little.
Husband and wife in bed. The wife reaches an orgasm, then again.
The husband continues like clockwork. My wife has a third, fourth, fifth ...
At the top of bliss she asks:
"Darling, what's wrong with you today?"
- What? Oh, sorry... I was thinking...
Anecdote-parable
I was happy! I dated my girlfriend for a whole year and in the end we decided
get married. Parents helped us in any way, friends supported us.
What about a girlfriend? Girlfriend was just a fairy tale!
The only thing that bothered me was her little sister. She was
20 years old, and she wore miniskirts and tight T-shirts with large
cutouts. She always stooped down when she was near me and showed
your panties. I'm sure it wasn't an accident, as she didn't
no one else like this.
One day her sister called me and asked me to
came and looked at the wedding invitations. When I arrived she was
one. She told me that soon I will be married, but she has feelings and
desires for me that she cannot overcome. She said she wants
make love to me just once, before I get married. I was
terribly surprised and didn't know what to say.
She said, "I'm going upstairs, and if you want, just go upstairs
come to me and take me." I was shocked. I froze in surprise while she
walked up the steps. When she went upstairs she took off her panties
and threw them at me. I stood for a while, then turned around and went
straight to the front door. Opened the door, left the house and headed
to your car. My future father-in-law stood in the street with tears in his eyes
he hugged me and said: “We are very glad that you passed our little
testik. Now we know for sure that there is no more suitable man for
our daughter! Welcome to our family!
Moral of the story: Always leave condoms in the car...
Very funny funny joke
Village. Night. In the hut, the old father is laid down on the stove. Almost falls asleep
but through his slumber he hears the young rustling below.
The old man, falling asleep, chuckles to himself: ... oh, youth, youth ...
And below they whisper:
- let's stand
- Come on
- come on, sit down
- Let's
- come on top
- Let's
- let's roll
- Let's
- let's doggy style
- Let's
- let's go candy-bob
- Let's
Oops!!! The old man was already thrown up, what the hell - I have never heard of it. Give
I'll take a look though! He bent down, peered - nothing to see ... darkness.
It sticks out further ... cannot be seen ... further ... cannot be seen ...
He bent, bent, until he flew off the shelf. Noise throughout the house ... tubs,
tacks, pots, bowlers all along the way grabbed. Got up somehow
side scratches, trying to crawl back.
At this time, the daughter asks with fright:
“What happened, daddy?…
“Nothing happened, daughter, you just have to fuck like a human!!!
